UCB 3

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‘Ginger willy!’ What ‘Ginger arsehole hair!’ What happened? Do you want us to play a clip of you dancing at the Britannia High, again? it, yeah, go for it. YES! CHEERING JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE: Like I Love You Not even an option. LAUGHTER BUZZER Oh! That’s the end of our Buzzer round. That’s the end of this week’s Celebrity Juice. I can tell you that the winning team is It’s Ed’s team! AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS I was Keith Lemon. if I don’t see you for a week, I’ll see you for the last dance! ED SHEERAN: Shape Of You I have a right to know who you’re meeting at night! I’m almost thirty! Good evening. How can I help you? I have a reservation for two. Name, please? Ant_Man. No such name. I’m sorry. Do you have many reservations for .PM? One. Well, that’s ours. There you are. It’s Women’s Day in three weeks. % of your audience is women. Awesome Got any plans? So stop insulting them. Not with you, asshole. Is Beata angry? Which Beata? I’m not sure. You ed her sister. See? You don’t even realize Should we start you off with something to drink? I’m still waiting for someone. In that case I’ll be waiting with bated breath. They’re women. They’re mothers. Or they will be one day. Sisters, wives, daughters, grandmothers, heads of networks, you can’t keep ridiculing them or you’ll lose your audience. He’s not coming. OK, just figure it out. Hi. Sorry I’m late. Heavy traffic. These are good. A little heavy on the garlic, though Ant_Man? Ant_Man? Your first Internet date. Fifth. If it was your fifth, you’d say it was your first. Because after the third, you realise how embarrassing it is. It’s not embarrassing. It’s not? You’re not embarrassed that someone stood you up on Valentine’s Day? Listen, Kasia. Ania. What do you say we go somewhere else? Now? I wanted to eat something first, but if you’re this eager Funny. But no thanks. Tomek Wilczyński? God, I love your show. Could I get a photo? Sure. Would you mind? Come here. Done. If you need anything, we’re over there. I’ve got my eyes on you. Work, work, work. I need a vacation. What were we talking about? Ok, so chicks are fawning over you. I’m not. And my guy’s just a bit late. Something probably came up. You’d rather talk first? Okay. So what do you do, Ania? I teach. Seriously? Teach what? Music. At the conservatory? No. At school. Elementary. Okay, it’s starting to make sense now. Oh yeah? What is? You wanted to be a musician. Maybe even a composer, or a conductor. You dreamed of conducting the Berlin Philharmonic, with the German Chancellor in the first row. But it didn’t work out. You ended up in school. Hating it. What musician would want to teach some tone-deaf brats? Banged-up instruments, stuffy classrooms Besides, you’re what, ? . Exactly! , with all these kids around, and none of them yours. Why? Because you have no kids. Why? Well, who would you have them with? At work you’re surrounded by other frustrated losers. Your clock is ticking, you try to keep your head up, but you’re terrified that no one will ever love you and you’re destined to grow old and die alone.



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